One of my (bad) habits is looking at the past. I love reading back my past journal as much as I love writing them. I just can’t help it. I usually reminisce to the exact time of the year, mostly one year back. Which means now it is time to look back at what was happening in June 2016.
I will try to rewrite here as best as I can. Despite of the credibility of my present memory to what really happened in the past, I still have a journal to back me up. So I can still guarantee its validity up to 98.6432902%!
When I moved here, I didn’t know what to do. I only knew that I had to find A job.
What kind of jobs? My first survival instinct would tell me to apply for engineering jobs, as it was (and now still is) my only formal qualication. I mean what else could I do? You hear this for a thousand times, but my heart did not tell me the same thing.
Based on what I wrote on 10 June 2016, apparently I had ‘three options’.
“1. Start focusing all my energy to engineering jobs hunting?
2. Sign up for some training as AutoCAD Drafter so my chance of being employed as a drafter is higher? (Yeah, I did consider to become a drafter too. The 2nd best practical option back then)
3. Apply baking apprenticeship class?”
We all know which one that I ‘chose’, or should I say which one ‘chose’ me.
It was not a straight forward choice. I could easily change my mind, like deciding on which dish to order at a restaurant. Yes, it was THAT bad.
Even when I applied for the school enrollment on 30 June 2016, I asked myself, “Do I really know what am I getting myself into???”
One year ago, I couldn’t make sense of any what was happening. It is only now that when I look back, I can see something.
Option 1 and 2 have never been the right choice. If they had been, there wouldn’t have been the need for Option 3.
I voted for Option 1 and 2. As I wrote, “For I can’t imagine any more options anyway. That is only the most realistic thing that I can do. Even though, deep down, I still don’t feel like doing it but that’s what I need to do right now.”
Another drama happened when I was browsing a job search website and started to read the job descriptions. My heart cried. I literally cried. I just couldn’t help myself to click on the ‘apply’ button. Let alone to update my resume.
“I did try hard to convince myself to get my feet on the ground.
That I do need the money that engineering can offer.
That I have to POSTPONE my dreams.
That at least, I have to just appear ‘I got this’ in front of the people who are worrying about me surviving here.
But then I just knew I just can’t let myself do this.
Maybe I just love myself a little bit too much.
I’m still that stupid girl though.
I’m still annoyed with this idealistic part of me.
I’m still not able to give up and accept that I just don’t deserve to pursue my dreams.
I still refuse to believe that it is best to have stability.
I know many will mock and judge.
But maybe I just love myself a little bit too much.
That I know I have to keep believing and fighting for a better life.“
That “maybe I just love myself a little bit too much” was the moment of truth.
I know that you are probably sick with this kind of post. The same story of ‘how I didn’t believe in myself but still want to foolishly dream’. Again and again, I have to write about the past. I hate to be repetitive, but it is only with the past that we can connect the dots and see the bigger picture. It is the only way to see how much we have grown, and how right/wrong we were.
There is still one piece of writing I would like to share. I wrote this on 29 May 2016. I called it ‘(Un)realistic’
I know best
That the best for me is
The most realistic option
The safest option
The most comfortable and familiar territory
Just simply be realistic
Fight for the most realistic option
I know best
That deep down in my heart
There is still a longing for
A miracle that will need more of my talents
A miracle for a new opportunity to earn a living
Not in a realistic way
I know best
That the best version of myself
When I am not doing the realistic
But rather, doing what comes from the heart
I hope best
That even though I walk to Realistic Street at the corner right there
I hope best
That I’ll take the wrong way instead
And take a leap of faith”