As I mentioned in the previous post, I still haven’t been able to draw the boundary between being selfish and selfless. I am not sure on how to address this issue (or whether it is an issue at the first place). It would make me sound like an ungrateful whinny bitch to exaggerate this, but…let’s try…at least try not to make it sound as a first-world problem.
Everytime I went back home, I always feel guilty about the unpopular choice that I made. Moving to a new country is still acceptable, but changing career? That’s new.
I am not saying that I doubt my choice, nor do I have any regrets about it. I have passed the phase when I was having self-doubts and calling myself stupid etc. But still I haven’t been able to release myself from feeling guilty.
Probably deep down I still feel that I don’t deserve it, especially when I come back home and see how others keep doing what they do. They keep on going and do not quit like I did.
It made me think, “Who am I to deserve all this goodness?”. I am not saying that I am more fortunate than the others. I have no rights to feel or say that at all. I understand that it is a personal choice, but I still can’t see why I can choose differently, because I am just the same as the others. And it made me feel guilty.
I know I sound like a hypocrite right now. Admitting feel guilty, but enjoying my new life style at the same time… It is exactly what a hypocrite will do.
I have heard about self-love and self-care, that we should take care of ourselves first by chasing our own happiness, before we are able to give back freely and fully with love to the others. On the contrary, as a friend mentioned once, that in our Asian culture, we should put others’ need first above our own. I have failed that, for sure…
What if that to walk on our path, we have to disappoint those who are close to us? I surely had quite a hard time to convince my family about this unpopular choice, though not that dramatic. Eventually, everything turns out fine, at least at the surface.
I hope that I don’t create a false assumption of a drama happening right now. There is no drama whatsoever. There is no one who confronts me about this during my current holiday. And yeah, that is why. The fact that no one confronts about it anymore, makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty. When they did back then, I resented them for it and became so defensive, but now when everything is at peace, I made my own drama with this guilty blah-blah thoughts..