Anxiety and Shame

I don’t know if I really have an anxiety disorder, but yes sometimes I do over-worry a lot about things that I can’t control. As I get older, I noticed that it becomes worse. Sometimes I have fears of something will happen to my beloved ones, this and this, that and that, things that I can’t even think of when I was younger. But let’s not get into that…

Let’s start from something small.

I am always anxious before work, even for my current job that I love doing. I am okay when I am working, but the hours before work are the worse. I worry over small things that can happen.. I even dream about it during my sleep. 

I don’t like it. It costs me so much negative energy. Worse is if I am doing an evening shift, I would spend the whole day worrying and I can’t do anything productive.. If I do, my mind would be distracted after a while and there comes the anxiety again.

Some incidents happened last Monday and I was really ashamed of it. I was very ashamed of my stupid mistakes, even though they told me things like that DO happen, but I thought they must have said that just to be polite.. 

Since I was little, I am never good at handling a mistake that I make. I will immediately feel that my self-worth is ruined because I make a mistake. This is something that I am not proud of, and I really want to change it from now.

The thing is I still feel that I must feel anxious before work, because that is what I am supposed to do : worry if I will do well enough. I am afraid of not being good enough. That is probably my biggest insecurity. I am still working on it.

This is the next lesson in my life that I have to focus on. I thought I have grown up that much, but there are so much things we need to work on from the inside to be a better person. Inside out.

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