Believing in myself

I guess I still have a hard time to be comfortable admitting to be self confident and believing in myself.

I am not who I was one year ago. I didn’t believe in me. I only believed that I would fail. Only to become a homeless after an imprudent solo travelling. Only to make everyone who doubted my decision, laughed at me. Only to prove them that they were right and I was wrong and foolish.

One year later here I am. Hopefully closer to my dream. Hopefully on half-way to prove them they were wrong and I was right. But what is the purpose of proving who is right and wrong?

I am not who I am now because of my own capability. I am just a damn lucky little girl in a big, big world. I have no right to claim that all credits to be all mine.

But I have to admit I am pretty glad everything turns out fine so far… or maybe I am just still in my honeymoon phase? Well, things have not been all bed and roses. I was not always my best self during the past one year. Some things were rough. Some things were okay. Some things couldn’t be better. In fact, things have turned out to be much much much better than I thought. For an avid day-dreamer like me, it was really beyond my best possible imagination.

I once had a thought of how sad it was to be me. Many people have stories because they couldn’t satisfy others’ expectation because they were asked too much. But for me? No one expected more of me. They were just okay with the mediocre me. No one expected me to quit my stable and secure engineering job. No one asked me to chase my dreams because dreams were not meant to come true.

Finally still no one ended up believing in me, I guess. Many were worried but almost none believed, I guess. Until then I had no choice except to believe in myself.

The first step is always the hardest because it is a new  and unknown territory. I was scared on my first day for my first food-related part time job. I was scared to begin my first kitchen class, worried that I couldn’t catch up. Things were not perfect, though. But I survived. I turned out to be better than I thought I would. Each steps then equipped me with more confidence and knowledge about my own strength and weaknesses.

I think I have proved that they were wrong… I am not the girl who they thought I was, the girl who was suitable to do paper work all day behind a desk. What I am doing now requires me to stand on my feet all day…and I love, love, love it very much. No words can describe this satisfaction to finally realize that I am right about my true self that has been hiding forever.

But then again, I guess proving who is right or wrong, doesn’t matter anymore for me. No one really cares about it anyway. No one will truly believe unless I keep moving forward.

However, I do know some people, will still believe in me, no matter how miserable I am, even when I don’t believe in myself. You know who you are.



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