Today I realized one thing: I was a very fearful child back then.
I was scared to say what I wanted, what I thought, what I believed. I was scared to say yes to the things I wanted. I was scared to say no to the things I didn’t want. I was always the shy girl. I had to be the shy girl, because what else could I have been?
I was scared to make noise or chat with my classmates during the lessons. I was scared the teacher would have gotten mad at me. I was scared of being the bad girl. I was always the good girl. I had to be the good girl, because what else could I have been?
I was too scared to be called “quiet”. Because I knew it wasn’t a good thing. A good girl couldn’t be “too quiet”. I had to be the good girl, because what else could I have been?
I was scared to break the rules. I was scared to get scolded. Not because I was a coward. I just had simply to be the good girl, because what else could I have been?
I was scared to be different. I was too tired to be seen different. I wanted to be looked upon as a normal person. I had to be a normal person, because what else could I have been?
I know the above may sound too sad and depressing for a childhood/adolescence, but trust me it wasn’t that bad. I just like to dramatize things. Who doesn’t love drama?
Anyway, it is true. I kinda had that kind of eureka moment today. Today is the eureka moment where I’ve finally understood the psychology of my childhood.
I was just simply being a fearful child. Apparently, what I did besides building legos back then, I was building a virtual cage surrounding myself.
A virtual cage which function was to automatically trap me when it detected my fear of doing something, anything.. A virtual cage which supposed to protect me, but eventually limited my maximum potentials.
The task now is not to save the world. This is not a noble quest. The task is to save myself, to destroy the virtual cage.. And anyway, it is virtual, isn’t it?
So virtual that in a blink of an eye, it’s gone.
But it will return sooner or later. Over and over, but it will get better and better.