A Fearful Child

Today I realized one thing: I was a very fearful child back then. 

I was scared to say what I wanted, what I thought, what I believed. I was scared to say yes to the things I wanted. I was scared to say no to the things I didn’t want. I was always the shy girl. I had to be the shy girl, because what else could I have been?

I was scared to make noise or chat with my classmates during the lessons. I was scared the teacher would have gotten mad at me. I was scared of being the bad girl. I was always the good girl. I had to be the good girl, because what else could I have been?

I was too scared to be called “quiet”. Because I knew it wasn’t a good thing. A good girl couldn’t be “too quiet”. I had to be the good girl, because what else could I have been?

I was scared to break the rules. I was scared to get scolded. Not because I was a coward. I just had simply to be the good girl, because what else could I have been?

I was scared to be different. I was too tired to be seen different. I wanted to be looked upon as a normal person. I had to be a normal person, because what else could I have been?

——

I know the above may sound too sad and depressing for a childhood/adolescence, but trust me it wasn’t that bad. I just like to dramatize things. Who doesn’t love drama?

Anyway, it is true. I kinda had that kind of eureka moment today. Today is the eureka moment where I’ve finally understood the psychology of my childhood. 

I was just simply being a fearful child. Apparently, what I did besides building legos back then, I was building a virtual cage surrounding myself. 

A virtual cage which function was to automatically trap me when it detected my fear of doing something, anything.. A virtual cage which supposed to protect me, but eventually limited my maximum potentials.

The task now is not to save the world. This is not a noble quest. The task is to save myself, to destroy the virtual cage.. And anyway, it is virtual, isn’t it? 

So virtual that in a blink of an eye, it’s gone. 

But it will return sooner or later. Over and over, but it will get better and better. 

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