Getting better?

The last day of work before holiday! 

I still missed some details at work. They’re tiny but yet can’t be ignored. I guess I am getting better at handling mistakes. Of course I still feel upset about it. But now I am trying to just forgive myself and move on, instead of dwelling too much in my drama. 

Probably because of the environment is very good and supportive. It motivates me to be better because they are all good people. I feel like I have to improve to show my gratitude and appreciation. 

There are still times when I doubt myself, “am I fit in in this kind of tough environment?” Because I am clumsy, clumsy, and basically just clumsy. Probably a slow learner too. 

But now I am trying to focus on each task as best as I could. I am trying hard not to be distracted once I make a mistake. I am trying not to make the small incident affect my next task. Like someone said to me, just move on. When the work is over, you can think again about the mistake and evaluate it. But don’t think about it during the work itself. Just go on. 

Don’t sweat the small stuff

I used to sweat the small stuff. Well I still do, but I think I am getting better at it. I am still learning to do it right.

I realized recently that somehow.. I have started to use a different approach when I was encountered a bad day. I was still upset though but I am trying not to dwell with it for as long as I used to. I think it has been a good practice. 

There were some points recently when I simply had no energy to even share what I have been through to some of my friends. Not because of I don’t trust them or I want to keep it a secret. But I just simply have no more energy and desire to talk about it. The more I talk about it, the more drained I become. 
The purpose of venting out is to let yourself feel relieved, but it is currently doing me the opposite : it draines me. So I guess it is better to just ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ from now on?

Anxiety and Shame

I don’t know if I really have an anxiety disorder, but yes sometimes I do over-worry a lot about things that I can’t control. As I get older, I noticed that it becomes worse. Sometimes I have fears of something will happen to my beloved ones, this and this, that and that, things that I can’t even think of when I was younger. But let’s not get into that…

Let’s start from something small.

I am always anxious before work, even for my current job that I love doing. I am okay when I am working, but the hours before work are the worse. I worry over small things that can happen.. I even dream about it during my sleep. 

I don’t like it. It costs me so much negative energy. Worse is if I am doing an evening shift, I would spend the whole day worrying and I can’t do anything productive.. If I do, my mind would be distracted after a while and there comes the anxiety again.

Some incidents happened last Monday and I was really ashamed of it. I was very ashamed of my stupid mistakes, even though they told me things like that DO happen, but I thought they must have said that just to be polite.. 

Since I was little, I am never good at handling a mistake that I make. I will immediately feel that my self-worth is ruined because I make a mistake. This is something that I am not proud of, and I really want to change it from now.

The thing is I still feel that I must feel anxious before work, because that is what I am supposed to do : worry if I will do well enough. I am afraid of not being good enough. That is probably my biggest insecurity. I am still working on it.

This is the next lesson in my life that I have to focus on. I thought I have grown up that much, but there are so much things we need to work on from the inside to be a better person. Inside out.

More blogging, less social media

Recently, I changed my Instagram privacy setting to private. I wonder if my posting habit will change if less people see it, if I can’t attract public attention by using the powerful #hashtags. I wonder if I would care more about the content that I share rather than the likes.

Ah, the likes… my guilty pleasure. I know the likes don’t matter, but…still such a guilty pleasure for me to see how many people ‘like’ my photo. It made me feel good…which was so wrong. So unhealthy. That is why I think I’d better change my posting habit in social media.

Probably it is time to make use of this blog to its maximum potential. A blog is a better platform to present more of me, my thoughts, my life, my struggle. People come here because they want to come here in the first place, not becauese they are bored, scrolling the news feed to find something new and interesting updates about the friends that they won’t really care and won’t really care for them back.

Not that I have a lot of readers in this blog, probably none especially from now on, I have decided not to update personally to some friends if I have something new. Nothing personal on them. It is just my decision to see what would I write here in this blog, if no one is guaranteed to read it, even if I open for public to read.

What would I write authentically from my heart that is public worthy (of course it is different with a private diary), without the guarantee of somebody will ever read it? What would I want to leave marks in this world even if I have to go as ‘annonymous’? (But if you are just happened to read this and you know me in person, please let me know so I can thank you personally for your time to read this) 

In a bigger picture, let’s put it this way: how many people would still care to do some good deeds if they know that it would remain unknown? A.k.a. not allowed to post in social media. I am aware that social media can be such a powerful tool too, but let’s not get into that please. I am talking about something more personal. Will you still make that surpsie birthday party if knowing that the beautiful photos would go un-shared forver? Would you still do that yoga pose in every beach that you go if you can’t post it? Would I still be keen to make good looking desserts at home if I can’t share the picture to the public?

I don’t know what is going on with me. There is no certain events that trigger this thought. Maybe it is just part of growing up? Not saying that others are not growing up or whatever, but maybe I have just changed recently as a person? I am not condemning or judging people who still share as many as they like, but maybe now for me it is just time to re-evaluate my true intention. 

And probably with less social media, I can do more blogging? Yeah, let’s make it a mid-year resolution then. 

Here’s to the fools who dream

One of my (bad) habits is looking at the past. I love reading back my past journal as much as I love writing them. I just can’t help it. I usually reminisce to the exact time of the year, mostly one year back. Which means now it is time to look back at what was happening in June 2016. 

I will try to rewrite here as best as I can. Despite of the credibility of my present memory to what really happened in the past, I still have a journal to back me up. So I can still guarantee its validity up to 98.6432902%! 

When I moved here, I didn’t know what to do. I only knew that I had to find A job. 

What kind of jobs? My first survival instinct would tell me to apply for engineering jobs, as it was (and now still is) my only formal qualication. I mean what else could I do? You hear this for a thousand times, but my heart did not tell me the same thing.

Based on what I wrote on 10 June 2016, apparently I had ‘three options’. 

“1. Start focusing all my energy to engineering jobs hunting?

2. Sign up for some training as AutoCAD Drafter so my chance of being employed as a drafter is higher? (Yeah, I did consider to become a drafter too. The 2nd best practical option back then)

3. Apply baking apprenticeship class?”

We all know which one that I ‘chose’, or should I say which one ‘chose’ me. 

It was not a straight forward choice. I could easily change my mind, like deciding on which dish to order at a restaurant. Yes, it was THAT bad. 

Even when I applied for the school enrollment on 30 June 2016, I asked myself, “Do I really know what am I getting myself into???”

One year ago, I couldn’t make sense of any what was happening. It is only now that when I look back, I can see something. 

Option 1 and 2 have never been the right choice. If they had been, there wouldn’t have been the need for Option 3. 

I voted for Option 1 and 2. As I wrote, “For I can’t imagine any more options anyway. That is only the most realistic thing that I can do. Even though, deep down, I still don’t feel like doing it but that’s what I need to do right now.”

Another drama happened when I was browsing a job search website and started to read the job descriptions. My heart cried. I literally cried. I just couldn’t help myself to click on the ‘apply’ button. Let alone to update my resume. 

—–

“I did try hard to convince myself to get my feet on the ground. 

That I do need the money that engineering can offer. 

That I have to POSTPONE my dreams. 

That at least, I have to just appear ‘I got this’ in front of the people who are worrying about me surviving here.

But then I just knew I just can’t let myself do this. 

Maybe I just love myself a little bit too much.

I’m still that stupid girl though. 

I’m still annoyed with this idealistic part of me. 

I’m still not able to give up and accept that I just don’t deserve to pursue my dreams. 

I still refuse to believe that it is best to have stability. 

I know many will mock and judge. 

But maybe I just love myself a little bit too much. 

That I know I have to keep believing and fighting for a better life.

—–

That “maybe I just love myself a little bit too much” was the moment of truth. 

I know that you are probably sick with this kind of post. The same story of ‘how I didn’t believe in myself but still want to foolishly dream’. Again and again, I have to write about the past. I hate to be repetitive, but it is only with the past that we can connect the dots and see the bigger picture. It is the only way to see how much we have grown, and how right/wrong we were. 

There is still one piece of writing I would like to share. I wrote this on 29 May 2016. I called it ‘(Un)realistic’

—–

I know best

That the best for me is

The most realistic option

The safest option

The most comfortable and familiar territory

Just simply be realistic

Fight for the most realistic option


I know best

That deep down in my heart

There is still a longing for

A miracle that will need more of my talents

A miracle for a new opportunity to earn a living

Not in a realistic way

But unrealistic



I know best 

That the best version of myself

Is achievable

When I am not doing the realistic

But rather, doing what comes from the heart



I hope best

That even though I walk to Realistic Street at the corner right there

I hope best 

That I’ll take the wrong way instead

And take a leap of faith”

No school

Yeah!! No school at the moment. My dearly school has been shut down. It is a very shocking news to both students and staffs. I guess I can breathe more air during this peaceful period until an official decision has been made.

Well, should I say I am so desperate right now? Funny, not at all. It is sad, yes. But I guess life goes on. And again, it is just another uncertainty.

I just want to dedicate this post to the teachers and fellow classmates who have helped me grow in the past one year, even though none of them will read this (and this is exactly why I write it here. I’m too shy!!).

Never would I have ever thought that I’d enroll in a culinary school full with such passionate teachers who has genuine interests in the students. From my own experience, this is the best school I have ever attended.

For the first time, I have teachers who believe in me, help me grow, are honest with how I can do better and improve, and at the same time, have a very good sense of humour. Perhaps, I have taken them all for granted. I guess I should have spent more time to get to know them in person.

There is one thing that I would never ever forget. I mentioned about a failed sandwich in this post. I promised to write it next time ages ago. So here you go, now is the next time.

Long short story, I failed my sandwich because my chicken was over-cooked. A small mistake that costed me a lifetime lesson. I had to go for a re-assessment, where students got a second chance to redo the exam. And guess what!! I still failed! Just for a simple sandwich!! According to the rules, I should have re-enrolled the whole course.

But! Lucky me, Chef S gave me another chance.. Here was the conversation between us after I failed my sandwich for the second time.

Chef S: “What happened today? You could do better than this. For me, this is not good enough”

Me: “I don’t know.. I was still scared that I ruined everything. Because if I ruined everything, I would have to redo the whole course.”

Chef S: “And you ruined everything.”

Me: “Yes..”

Chef S: “What do you think an athlete is thinking during a competition?….. They are already thinking for the next race. During the other exam (not the sandwich, fyi), I was so impressed by you. You stood out from the other students. You were so organized. That is why I believe you can do better than today.”

At the end, I was given a chance to redeem myself to help making sandwich in the school cafe for a week.

I was not so used to failure especially in an academic setting. Back then, I would have been so desperate when I received marks below the passing-marks for my school tests. So frustrated that I would feel ashamed. So ashamed. I wouldn’t have the courage to admit it, even to write the experience in a blog.

I won’t get any official qualification for the past one year in this school, but yes indeed, I did learn many valuable lessons.

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The double-edged swords

My worst nightmare of blogging has come true. It is not a fear of when a stranger misjudges me. It is a fear of when a close one misjudges me. It happened last night after this post.  I have written about this fear specifically when I started this blog in this post as well.

But how people interpret my writing is really up to them. A lot of their background factors do contribute. It is a variable out of my control.

I admit too it is part of my fault because I didn’t write explicitly what I meant, but again, that is the point of me writing a blog. I don’t want to publicly express all my personal feelings and thoughts like, literally. Hence, the mis-judgement and misunderstanding come into play.

I hope I don’t make another close friend ever thinks that I don’t appreciate their friendships and endless supports. Trust me, no blog posts and no photos in social media can do justice to express my gratitude towards them.

What I meant with that longing for a companion or a listening ear, is someone who can act like a mentor for me. Someone who has gone through the similar thing. Someone who is as foolish as I am, to quit his/her stable corporate job to pursue his/her passions. No one I ever know in person has ever done something as nearly foolish, because hey, I am surely the only fool living creature in my circle of friends and even in my family.

Back then, I did write about my solo-travelling experience and meeting Angela (here), a beautiful inspiring lady. She is the first person ever in my life, who has ever said to me, in person, in front of my face, to pursue my dreams, to believe in myself. Because having someone to say it in front of you, who has also personally experienced it, is worth more than 1000 inspirational ted talks altogether. That is the feeling that I long for, again. But of course, Angela can’t replace the friendships that have been forged on years ago.

Never.

As I realize, how important it is to have someone to have gone through the same thing, I want to be the same thing too to my friends. I am glad I can be their ‘Angela’, even though I know I may not have done enough. But I am truly honored to have some of them telling me that they feel inspired because of my foolishness to do a crazy career change. It has inspired them to chase their dreams too. I mean, there is no better feeling than that! It inspires me back, you know!

I am sincerely happy that at least, they have someone to turn to talk too, if they feel stuck and don’t know where to go. Because you know, there is no right or wrong answer, and every person has their own paths. I know how frustrating it can be. I am deeply glad that at least, they know someone in person who has done it. Someone as ordinary as me. Someone who is just like them. Someone who is also sailing foolishly in a voyage called ‘Chasing the dreams’.

That is something that I long for right now. Someone to look up to, as a mentor. Because I still wanna go forward. To do the best of my ability. To keep learning. But that is okay if I still have no one to depend on. It is probably best for me to find my own path. I am gonna be okay in the end. And I hope too, that my friends will do okay eventually.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

(There is a follow-up post for this, click here)

It was my least favourite interview question when I was looking for jobs for post-graduation life, five years ago. How the hell was I supposed to know what’d happen to me in five years time? The answer’d only be revealed five years later… which is now.

Did I see myself where I am today? Not a chance. I’m not a good life planner myself so I didn’t really see it coming.

But let’s not talk about those five years. Let’s talk about now.

So, what is now?

Back from a long hiatus in blogging. Yeah, been triggered by a friend who wanted to write a guest post. All credits to her that I am writing again.

I am writing now because writing is the only way of self-expression that I am capable of, right now. I also don’t think that I am capable of jotting just anything what is on my mind. That is also the reason why I posted a rather poetic post yesterday, called ‘Ahead of time‘.

I don’t have enough guts yet to express literally what is on my mind. After all this time, still, it takes a great deal of courage to be honest with the world. But let’s try it today.

This story is like a two-sided coin.

On one side, I am happy, sincerely delighted, truly honored, to be able to be a personal listening ear to some of my dear friends who are currently on the path of pursuing their own passions. Not only one. The number is almost equal to the number of friends whom I consider close. I know that I am nobody, and my opinion is not valid in anyway, but I am sincerely glad to be some kinds of help (I hope I do help). I was there too. I know exactly how important it is to hear someone who believes in you. It matters a lot. I feel that they are lucky. They at least have someone to talk to. Someone who has been there too. Someone that they know in person. Back then my only comfort was google or ted talks. It was tough times, really. I am not saying I have done a great influence or any. I am simply just happy to listen. That is all.

On the other side, sometimes it kinda tires me. Please don’t get it wrong. It is just that I know nobody in person, who has been in the same life junction as I have right now. I kinda long for a companion, a listening ear who has also been there, as I am to the others. It is a selfish wish, yes it is. That is just how it is.

However, there is still this someone though, who is barely the expert of what I am doing right now, who does not only believe, but also contributes some crazy ideas, and who thick-skinned-ly said, the copyright still goes to him.

I guess that worth 1000 no. of mentors right?

After all, the blessings have always been there. If only we open our eyes wide enough to see it.

(There is a follow-up post for this. Click here)